Krampus: The Devil Returns (2016)

Director: Jason Hull
Writers: Jason Hull, A.J. Leslie
Stars: Shawn C. Phillips, Melantha Blackthorne, R.A. Mihailoff

Oh boy, where to start with this one. Well after our review of the first Krampus by Jason Hull, we promised that we would review the upcoming sequel. We wish we hadn’t but there you have it, at least you can skip this abysmal rubbish and save precious hours of your life doing something more interesting, like drilling your eyeballs out or maybe pulling your toenails off.

Five years after the tragic events of the first film (Krampus: The Christmas Devil – See review), our hero Jeremy Duffin (A.J. Leslie, complete with terrible fake beard) is brought back to the force by his old captain Farabee (Goteri). It would seem that Santa and Krampus are up to their old tricks and kidnapping naughty children again (no half-naked nubile girls for Krampus this year though, perhaps he was naughty too).

We then see Santa actually playing as a store Santa at a local store where one particular naughty child pulls his beard and is generally a little brat. Needless to say Santa makes sure to get his name. Poor old Jezza who just didn’t realise his daughter was a very naughty girl and deserved to be spanked, is still haunted by the events (as are we). After a ridiculous stern face moment in a mirror, Jezza jumps back into action in a Bruce Willis from the eighties moment and becomes his old self.

We get to see Santa (again played by Ferm who was at least half amusing in the first film), dancing to Christmas jingles before offing the little ones. Their hideout is now an actual house – of the seventies hillbilly variety (no idea what happened to the cave). Krampus is his usual calm and shuffling self, even though for some strange reason, he now looks completely different (and worse). He actually looked pretty good in the first film, but here he looks like a reject from a sixties monster fancy-dress party. They couldn’t even be bothered to do his hands this time around, instead choosing to have him in black gloves.

Quite frankly I’m struggling to see where the million dollars (the apparent budget) went. If you’re not aware of my thoughts on very low-budget Indie films, then head off to watch Into the Woods (Sam Raimi) or El Mariachi for what can be done with no money. Anyway, the acting and the script are laughable and unbelievably are actually worse than in the first film. The camera work and photography have to be some of the worst I have ever seen and the audio is completely all over the damn place. No idea what they did or were doing, but to Hull and Leslie, fire your sound guy.

I’ve said before, I’m all for people pursuing their dreams and I’d love to have a crack at making a film myself one day, but seriously guys, just recognise that you have no talent, no good ideas and just give it up. For everyone’s sake. For all those people who constantly witter on about ‘the worse film I have ever seen’, I suggest watching more films, and then watching this gem of a joke. This is a real contender folks. And remember kids, be nice, Santa would rather be in the Caribbean. You have been warned!

The Sage’s Rating:

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