Stolen (2012)

Director: Simon West
Writer: David Guggenheim
Stars: Nicolas Cage, Malin Akerman, Josh Lucas


A drunk man is dragged off the streets by armed officers while an operation is underway. Meanwhile, Will (the Cagester) and his mob (which include Josh Lucas as Vincent) are sat in a van waiting for the right moment, while listening to Creedence Clearwater, much to the annoyance of Will’s companions. The street is surprisingly quiet and empty as they attempt their heist. The police however (headed up by a reasonable Danny Huston) are watching and waiting for the right moment of their own.

For some unknown reason (and never explained) the police and FBI, CIA, DOA and any other abbreviations that come to mind seem to require fifty plus armed and dangerous officers to catch four petty criminals. Seems legit I hear you say. I have to agree. The Cagester is the man though, needing only a syringe of his own pee (or what looks like it) and a cheap power drill to crack the safe. Whatever I hear you murmour. Once again, I agree.

The front cover of this atrocity (which proclaims a kidnapped daughter, 12 hours, $10 million is about as exciting as this one gets though. Remember that old saying about not judging a book? Well this one sucks even more than the cover might suggest. Unfortunately it appears very rapidly that Nicolas Cage is once again playing….Nicolas Cage. Fortunately for the Cagester though, the police are idiots (like us for watching this drivel), fortunately for the police, so is the Cagester’s crew.

Car chases ensue, hands are waved, Cage’s sideburns have a life of their own and one could easily be mistaken for thinking you’re watching a bad (again) remake of Gone in 60 Seconds where Nicolas Cage just happens to be doing his very best Nicolas Cage impressions. All jokes and sarcasm aside, this is a fun film if nothing else, although I’m pretty sure it was not intended to be a comedy.

This is formulaic, badly written, badly acted, man-out-of-time thriller (or not very thrilling as the case may be) with keystone Cop antics along with fist-fights with guys who are old enough to be playing bridge down the park. It also seems once again that no one in Hollywood understands time continuity or even what a clock is. Get your damn day/night continuity right people.

Following on from that, this is also a film from the youngsters school of movie pyrotechnics where things explode that really shouldn’t and wouldn’t in the real world where the rest of us live. I’m all for action, but try to make it somewhat realistic please. One can still make a good crash without it miraculously and inexplicably bursting into a fireball spawned from hell itself. All terribly predictable and lazy rubbish.

The plot is utterly ridiculous and some of the actual plot-lines within the main plot are mind-numbing to say the least. Why do I keep torturing myself with Nic Cage films of late? They and him are not getting any better. His last good film was Bringing Out the Dead which kind of says a lot. Save your time with this one and go and watch pensioners trying to park in the local supermarket instead. Far more entertaining stuff.

 

The Sage’s Rating:

Posted in Action, Crime, Thriller and tagged , , , .

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